…and oh, btw, SHE CAN’T FREAKING SING OR DANCE EITHER.

MTV’s 2013 VMA’s.

This happened:

Where to start?

The sexual crudeness I guess. So she touched herself about 27 times a minute. She did everything but mount Beetlejuice (Jason Seaver’s kid) right there on stage. She….did something…with that dancer. She shook, humped, thrusted, gyrated and generally looked like she was having a grand mal seizure while having bad sex. You know, LOTS of singers have pushed the envelope. Madonna of course springs to mind. But there always seemed to be a point. This just appeared to be crudeness for the sake of crudeness. If you’re going to shock me, you need to at least entertain me.

The, I guess we’ll call it dancing. What. The. Hell?? Did I already mention seizures? I did. Ok. She appeared to barely keep in time with the song. I’m pretty certain the closest thing I saw to a well executed dance move was her waving her arm over her head. She attempted, about 2,893,719 times, a dance move called “Twerking”. She failed. Utterly.

Remember the video from just a minute ago? Of course you do. It’s now seared into your brain. I’m not gonna describe the move, I’m sure you either know it or can go look at youtube. It involves a wide stance and…uh…a lot of booty bouncing. Miley failed at that move. Hard.

The music. Let me be clear, it sucked. And it didn’t suck because I’m all “Get Off My Lawn You Hooligans!” No, it just sucked. Neither Miley nor Seaver’s kid can sing at all if that performance was any indication. Seriously, either one of them would be laughed out of my church and probably booed at most karaoke bars. The lyrics were ridiculous and poorly performed. If I wanna hear nonsense sung badly, I’ll get my 3 year old. She’s at least cute.

Ok, we’ve hit the crudeness, the dancing and the singing. The big question is “Why?” Why on earth would she do this?

Booze is always a good guess. Drugs as well. A psychotic break isn’t out of the question. But really, I think it’s easy. Attention. She wanted attention. She wanted everyone talking about her. It doesn’t matter what they’re saying, as long as they’re talking. She grew up being the center of attention, being the Star. Well guess what? She’s not a teeny bopper with a show anymore and now she doesn’t know how to get the attention fix she needs. It was always provided for her. Here are your lines for the tv show that’s been scripted and set out. Here are your concert dates and your appearances and your merchandising and the entire Disney machine is behind you. Now she has to go out and do it on her own. And I don’t think she knows how.

The only even marginally rational explanation I have for why this,

turned into this,

is one almighty cry for attention. And you know what? I’m looking at you Billy Ray and former Mrs. Billy Ray. That’s your daughter out there making a fool of herself.

Will, I feel ya man.