So my wife is sick. I feel terrible for her. She works hard, does a great job with the house and the kids and all the stuff that I would make a mess of. And now she feels awful. She’s also big into crafts. She makes all kinds of stuff. That’ll become important in a minute.

She got some viral bug from the kids.

Being the loving caring husband that I am, I ask her “What can I do for you? Hot tea? Soup?”

“No, but there is something I need. I don’t feel like going to get it though. Would you?”

“Sure baby, where and what?”

Thus begins my Descent.

Where did she ask me to go?

Dear. Sweet. Lord. Why????

“Well I need jewelry wire for the necklaces I’m making.”

She sells these things (I’m STUNNED by how much people pay for this stuff), so ok, that’s not a big deal.

“I also want you to get that bow maker so it’s easier for me to make those bows.”

Oh joy.

So I drive up the street to JoAnns. It’s a madhouse. There are people (Women. I’m likely the only guy in the store.) everywhere. In every aisle. In every conceivable area that you could stand or walk.

I could not be more out of place. There are aisles and aisles of fabric and yarn and needles and ribbons and…..I think I’m breaking out in hives again.

Anyway, I find the jewelry wire fairly easily. Grab what I need. “Hey, maybe this won’t be so bad.”

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The bow maker. Folks, it’s basically a 1×4 piece of wood with half a dozen holes in it. It comes with dowels that you place in corresponding holes to get the size bow you want. I could build one for $5. In an hour. If you include the time it takes to go to Home Depot. But the wife wants the one from the store.

Fine. How hard could it be?

Up and down the aisles I go, dodging high school girls discussing which of 5,000 types of glitter they should get and 300lb women discussing how much material they’ll need for that XXL blanket.

I can’t find the stupid thing. I can’t find the “hair bow” section. I can’t even tell the damn difference between ribbon for hair bows and ribbon for present bows.

I text my wife. No help there. “It’s called a Bow Maker. It’ll be with the hair bows and ribbons.”

I break down and ask someone. First person to walk past me wearing JoAnns stuff is a girl that looks like she’s 18. I describe what I’m looking for. I get this look:

Awesome. Now she’s on the walkie talkie describing what I’m looking for. “I think Worker #2 can help.” We go wandering the store looking for this person. Finally find her. Describe what I’m looking for. Wanna hazard a guess at the look I got?

Now I’m faced with returning home without the “bow maker.”

Oh. The wife has sent a text with a pic of what she wants. I show it to Worker #2. “Hmm…..lemme go ask my manager.”

Working my way up the chain of command. Excellent.

Worker #2 comes hustling out of the back. “Right this way sir.”

Glory glory hallelujah. We have success.

She walks me down some aisle that has nothing to do with hair bows, reaches to the back of the bottom shelf and hands me this box and says, “Here you go sir, last one.”

What the crap is this? A board. A half dozen holes. Two dowels. It wasn’t a complicated description. Worker #2 is all proud of herself too.

*sigh*

I text the wife. “This is all they have.” Wife, “No. Nevermind.”

I spent an hour in a place that would make Dante weep. What did I get out of that? $12 worth of jewelry wire and an aneurysm.

If you’ll pardon me, I’m sure there’s a bottle of vodka around here somewhere.

As we’re all aware, this country entered into a recession in late 2007/early 2008. The reasons are myriad and I’m not going to take the text wall necessary to hash it all out.

The recession was a rough one. GDP fell substantially, unemployment doubled, home values declined by almost 1/3, stocks slid, the median American household earnings were reduced by just over $1,000 and the debt, well, at least something was growing. Right?

Fortunately, all that’s in the past. President Obama, and his panel of Top Men, declared that the recession ended in June 2009. Thank goodness. I mean, sure, gas prices are still high, construction is sluggish, home values are still below even conservative estimates and the debt continues to expand faster than Honey BooBoo’s neck rolls, but the American People are back to work.

What’s that? Unemployment is still high? Hmmm.

Well, the good news is that everyone’s dollar is going further.

Oh come on. Buying power in 2007 of $1,000 is $1,126.62 in 2013???

http://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl?cost1=1000.00&year1=2007&year2=2013

Ok, ok. But the actual, honest to God good news is that incomes are up. People may have to pay a little more, but they’re making more.

You…said…what??????????????

http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/incomes-have-dropped-twice-much-during-recovery-during-recession_750068.html

“New estimates derived from the Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey by Sentier Research indicate that the real (inflation-adjusted) median annual household income in America has fallen by 4.4 percent during the “recovery,” after having fallen by 1.8 during the recession.”

You’re telling me that not only are people not making what they did before the recession, they’re actually making SIGNIFICANTLY LESS THAN THEY DID DURING THE RECESSION?!?!?

Yes, yes I picked that gif for exactly the reason you’re thinking. Give me a break.

Well, if you will excuse me, I’ve got to go work harder for less money.

I said in a previous post that there were some things that just flat piss me off. Idiocy is one of them.

Yes, I confess, I’m utterly intolerant of the stupid. Even moreso of the ignorant.

Stupidity, while annoying, can be somewhat forgiven. You can’t help being stupid. But ignorance, ignorance takes things to a whole new level. Ignorance is the fault of that person. You can fix ignorance.

So what ignorance has pissed me off you wonder?

A friend posted a link on Facebook to the story about people on welfare “making” more money than those making minimum wage.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/08/21/study-in-most-states-welfare-pays-more-than-minimum-wage-job/

That in and of itself can cause a rage-stroke, but that wasn’t what did it. No, the very first comment on his post was what did it.

“the obvious solution here is not to lower welfare, but to raise minimum wage. these people are already below poverty level.”

……………………………………………..

*blink*

…………………..

*rereads because it couldn’t possibly say what I think it said*

…………………………….

#*@&$%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of……you know, I’m gonna break my own rule about cursing in my posts……what kind of F*CKING IDIOT comes up with this solution???

Let’s just skip to what my real issue is. INFLATION YOU DOLT. Minimum wage goes up, everyone else’s wages go up. Some, such as unions, have their wages contractually linked to minimum wage. So minimum wage goes up, all the other pay levels go up as well. Welcome to paying more for virtually every product you buy.

Pardon me, I’m going to go open this bottle of tequila and engage in some stress relief.

The First Pitch. The players are still in the dugout. Umpires yet to call the start of the game. It in no way affects who wins or loses. But does it matter?

I think it does.

It sets a tone. The First Pitch can be funny, it can be clever, it can bring tears to our eyes or it can cause us to point and snicker.

It can be inspiring. One of the most stirring images to me, post 9-11, was President Bush walking past the rubber that had been placed at the bottom of the mound, taking the hill and firing  a strike. That image meant something.

But there’s a flip side. We’ve all seen that pitch. That pitch that makes us cringe, that makes us wonder “Why would someone go out there and do that?” or “That’s the best they’ve got?”

So what is this post? Is it that inspirational moment? Is it cringeworthy? Is it something in between?

Frankly, I’m shooting for just above cringeworthy. I’m new at this and I’ll be learning as I go.

I promise to put out some actual content soon. There are lots of things that just flat piss me off. From infringements on our Rights to attempting a denial of Math to the way Republicans in positions of power play the game like syphilitic popinjays.

Who knows how well that content and this blog as a whole will go, but at the end of the day I can, and will, say “I’m the Marginally Honorable Chairman. This is my blog. And yes, I Built This.”

Good night, godspeed and remember, “Never, never, never give up.”